| Hm. |
[May. 17th, 2009|04:03 am] |
I was just reading an old entry and almost had a weak moment and tried to reach out to someone in the past.
But upon reading more entries I was reminded on why I stopped communication in the first place. Learning from your mistakes is a sign of progress right?
So why do I want to contact this person so badly? |
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| Old Wounds |
[Feb. 15th, 2009|07:02 pm] |
I generally like to think optimistically. I think the last year and a half that made me into a true cynic. I never think things are going to pan out even though for the most part, things have been ok.
The last couple of days has been really hard for me. I miss the support system I felt like I had in the past.
My best friend has been hiding things from me. My brothers and sisters ditch me all the time. Work has me in no man's land with two open positions that I can not apply for.
I'm working every other weekend on midnights. I feel like so many things are going against me. Oh yeah and there was a code triage the other day at work.
I feel like I'm 8 all over again. Banging on the door so they would let me in to play with them.
It's pathetic and I hate it.
Time, doesn't heal all wounds. Well, at least it's been at least 16 years and going...just as fresh as it had happened yesterday. |
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| RAR! |
[Jan. 1st, 2009|06:23 pm] |
The frekaing oven was left on BROIL instead of BAKE and totally just burnt the top of my turkey. AGGRAVATING.
What a bad start to the year. |
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| Applying for CLS note |
[Dec. 28th, 2008|01:12 pm] |
Licensure for ASCP
2 months before you graduate
-apply
-send transcripts to document bachelor's degree
State - LFS
Apply to california online 8 weeks ahead
do not need to send transcripts
Nag ed coord to send in 150 form
send in fee and attestation page
1 month before call and nag them to see if your app is complete
1 week before finishing- receive letter with unique identifier
1 day after grad: take ASCP and online california state law exam
California State Department of Health Services
Laboratory Field Services
Attn: Personnel Licensing
850 Marina Bay Parkway
Richmond, CA 94804 |
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| Captain's Log |
[Dec. 16th, 2008|09:26 pm] |
It's 9:30 and I am very proud to be awake. I was out by 9 last night. I hate going to work at 5:30. Must stay... alert!
When you make 4x more than you used to, you'd think you'd save some of it, but somehow your expenses go 4x too. It's weird. |
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| I think I'm old |
[Dec. 8th, 2008|10:09 pm] |
It's currently only 10PM. I don't even work tomorrow until 7:30 and I only live 5 miles away.... yet I'm getting already for bed and just reading a book (ok it's Beadle the Bard so I guess that makes it a littler better)
I am doing a not old person thing though and am going on a rather spur of the moment (2 weeks is not notice) trip to Las Vegas, the city I HATE. But hey, when a best friend asks you to help 'im heal in a city of sin, well you reluctantly oblige. |
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| Soo... |
[Nov. 22nd, 2008|10:14 pm] |
My grandma passed away on Wednesday, November 19.
My parents flew back to Vietnam to handle her services. I just don't know what I should be doing... |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 15th, 2008|10:00 pm] |
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As of October 14, I accepted the position at Santa Clara Valley Med |
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| Son of a fucking bitch |
[Oct. 8th, 2008|05:46 pm] |
I'd like to say that I hate that I come from a poor family that is literally salivating at my job prospects and only remembers parts of things I've already told them.
Of course they DON'T REMEMBER the part where I say "I don't want to talk about it." So they pester and they bother and they ask repeatedly. Don't you think that when I come to a decision, I would have TOLD somebody?!
So seriously. This job offer thats kinda crap but I'm pretty sure I'm taking? I say it's per diem, which means "30% more pay with no job security and no benefits." AND delioette is lurking so they may reccommend us cutting people, namely the per diem people.
So what do they hear? "30% more pay" and they say things like well you know your benefits don't start immediately, when I've already said that I don't get benefits. And "oh you should buy this house" when I've already said that there was no fucking JOB SECURITY. Oh they sit there and calculate my monthly income and start spending it in their heads and how cushy a life I'm going to lead. CUSHY. I'm taking a midnight job and they can only think about how it's CUSHY. And how I'm the luckiest one in the family. Oh, I'm sorry but I wasn't aware that working hard, studying and doing well in school was by chance.
Well, it's my job offer. I've worked my ass off for it and DON'T fucking tell me how to spend my money. It's mine and I'm pretty sure I know my own finances ($20,000 in school loans) better than anyone else does. Now please. Back the fuck off. |
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| My first offer |
[Sep. 27th, 2008|12:22 am] |
Got it Thursday while I was telling a really bad story about the Hedrick shitter.
Mortifying. I was told twice that I talk too much.
Per diem, no benefits but 4x what I make now PER HOUR.
SO tempted. Chem dept. |
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| Kaiser |
[Sep. 19th, 2008|07:48 pm] |
I turned in my Kaiser application today. As I turned it in I was completely calm about it and now .. not so much.
I'm starting to think of more what am I going to be doing about 2 months? I will have my license by then hopefully and where will I be? GAH I have to start using my Fridays more efficiently. =(
Must ...find...more... places... to suck up to!
Yikes. 5 weeks and counting.
Set my final exam for Sept 29. |
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| ...goin' the distance... |
[Sep. 13th, 2008|01:14 am] |
I scheduled my exam today
October 27th 8AM
Got a call from Kasier today telling me to fill out my app.. lol |
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| Pen to Paper |
[Sep. 7th, 2008|11:55 pm] |
You know what sucks about the digital format? And that makes it so much better in some instances... is that its all standardized. Sure you make it legible for some people who have poor scrawl ... but there's a lot of personality and character in handwriting.
You can tell from someones writing is they were mad when they wrote it or so excitedly writing that the words are scribbled madly...
Just some random thoughts as I thought about putting a pen to paper and decided to switch to a more reliable, legible, digitally archivable format
So the rest of my class graduated this weekend. I celebrated with them by prompted getting alchol in my system. Sometimes I think I put up a facade that is too good. I want to appear strong and so I go overdrive on the confidence level and of course with people with a hgih confidence level you don't really care what you say to them cause it will just bounce off.
Well that wasn't quite the feeling this weekend as I alone don't get to take the test next week and have the program done with. Something that should have happened for me six months ago.
Just saying.
Yes. I am bitter.
Yes. I am angry.
Yes. I am waiting for my life to start.
and Yes. I am miserable in micro. I really thought this was going to be my favorite rotation. I thought this is what I really wanted to do. Now that I'm there looking at plates, feeling uncomfortable, I feel like I've made a giant mistake. I feel like I let myself down more than anyone else cause they're happy for me.
Now see. If I had wreitten this with pen and paper. It probably wouldve had holes in it from my angry stabbing at the paper. It's just something you lose when you decide to type something.
I'm just getting impatient. |
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| LA Dining List |
[Sep. 6th, 2008|03:05 pm] |
For all those Bruins or people who live in and around LA. While I'm in the list making mood, these are places or foods that you should definitely try while in the Westside and the vicinity
1. Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles
2. Pink's Hollywood Hot Dogs
3. C&O trattoria garlic rolls (free!!)
4. Din Tai Fung Dumpling House
5. John O Groats Mango Macademia Nut Pancake
6. Porto's fried potato balls
7. Diddy Reice Cookies
8. Al Gelato
9. The Hat Pastrami
10. Lawry's the Prime Rib
11. Morton's Steakhouse
12. Sprinkle's Cupcakes (overrated)
13. Nook Bistro
14. Bandera's Lamb
15. The Counter- The original
Feel free to add! |
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| OPD |
[Jul. 22nd, 2008|07:16 pm] |
So I'm finally at the rotation I've been excited and dreading ALL year long. I am in my phlebo rotation which is the one where you draw blood from patients. OMG.
Ok. Let just preface that already that I am not a great phlebotomist. I'm getting better but I'm still only hitting like 80% of my patients. Because this is something that I'm not awesome at, everytime I call a new patient, I get nervous, get a shot of adrenaline (which helps me focus) and then I draw the patient.
I draw 30 patients today so that about 30 mini shots of adrenaline. My nervous feel shot... although I do have very nice veins. 6 more days of drawing blood.
I'm not a big fan of this rotation but it's pretty useful to be able to draw blood and rewarding when you manage to hit a vein you couldn't see. |
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| Going on Week 3 |
[Jul. 15th, 2008|08:27 pm] |
My parents went to the MOTHERLAND!... not really. THey went to Vietnam and then Thailand. A week after that my sister and her husband went too. I am not officially drowning in testosterone because even my best friend is male.
I'm going on three weeks and I'm doing ok, even with me being in coag these last couple weeks. Gotta say, still not a fan and don't want to learn all this crap.
My aunt who I CANT STAND has been coming over this whole time and making dinner, which I admit for anyone who isn't me is a really nice thing. Too much I hate her with all of my heart and soul and I just want to break stuff when she talks to me. And the fact that she's trying to take my mother's palce and does things like rearrange the kitchen and nags me like my mother. My mom can do it cause she birthed me. You on the other hand just scarred me for life and I hate you.
Lots of frustrations regarding that and my brother not caring.
Need estrogen!
In other news I sprained my ankle jumping on a trampoline and falling. WHoops. It's much better now. I can fake jog again on the elliptical so I'm back at the gym.
FInsihsed with all my regular tests of the school year just rotation finals and such now. =) |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 14th, 2008|12:58 pm] |
I feel discouraged
burnt out
unmotivated
lost
I want to get myself out of this funk.
I'm beginning to feel being around my family for long periods of time always turns me into this person.
I feel like I get no support. I feel alone. I feel apart. I feel adopted...
...and yet even lower.
I miss my friends. I miss my own space. I miss my independence. I miss myself being the person I like being. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 9th, 2008|12:37 am] |
Let me tell you a little something about my bed.
I fucking love my bed. I've spent no less than $1,000 on my bed. That is no small sum of what little I have. My mattress was something along the lines of 500, I dropped about 300 for my duvet and duvet cover alone, let alone the sheets.
Let me tell you a rather well known fact about me. I am a fucking clean freak. In fact I am rather neurotic. At work I won't touch door knobs if I know it'll be a while before I get to wash my hands.
It should come as no surprise then that I don't like pets. They drag dirt and dander into the house and generally make it not very clean. Like, at all they make a house filthy.
My brother despite me telling him that if they get another dog, that I will move out-- bought another dog. And let me tell you, he planned it at the most perfect time because I just told him that I had to drop everything I had on tuition. Everything. So I would of course be broke and not be able to carry out this threat.
So he gets a dog. The one ONLY request I had was that he kept the fucking dog out of my room, particularly my bed.
After getting home in a particularly foul mood because again I had to park about half a mile away from the house. I found that the dog had indeed done his business on my duvet. Not so surprisingly I straight up lost it. In fact I had to beat a wall so my mom would get off me so I could storm out of the house so I would murder a certain puppy.
So I stormed out. Without my keys. Without my glasses. Without my wallet.
So they told me that they "cleaned it." After not being home for almost 7 hours. They look my duvet cover off my duvet. Left my duvet on my bed and that was it. Angered that they hadn't even taken my damn duvet off the bed OR the sheets off I ripped stuff off my bed. I go to throw it into the garage as I no longer intend to use it ever again I notice that the duvet cover was JUST FUCKING SITTING THERE.
To top it all off, they're just sitting there watching a movie. My brother doesn't even brother to try to apologize. In fact when I confronted him on not having apologized, he didn't say a damn thing and looked at my blankly and then gave an unconvincing apology followed with "it's a dog!"
He's not even fucking sorry. He doesn't think he's done a single thing wrong.
Now tell me, dog lovers out there, who the fuck is wrong in this situation? |
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| I cracked |
[May. 6th, 2008|08:47 pm] |
So yesterday after a long day of work I came home and did the usual. Went to the gym ran for a bit, did weights and then... I got a small panic attack thinking about all the things I needed to learn for this week. Then I started to freak out more than a little. So I get home, eat dinner and get ready to study. My brother comes in and says he needs help getting the ministers speech. Then my sister is like I need help with my vows. My back immediate starts to tense up. I go inside and start looking at the worms. I'm doing ok still. They look arlight. I'm getting annoyed as I hear this really loud laugh coming from my brothers home at the end of the house. I go to check and not only was there a huge group of people but the laughing was actually from the speakers they we blasting. Fine. I close all the doors from there to my room thinking it would be better. Then started the rumba music. The same fucking song. Over and over again. For like 30 minutes. I'm looking at the worms. I don't know a single one and they all seem the same. I start to freak out more. My eyes begin to water just from sheer exhaustion. So I try to study for another 15 minutes but minute by minute I become more panicked and even more aware of the music that's playing so very loudly in the background. Every other minute or so I hear someone screaming.
So I snapped.
I went outside and told everyone off for being so goddamn loud. Then I stormed back into my room packed my laptop and books, hospital badge and ran off. I started driving not knowing where to go and wishing that I put on work appropriate clothes. I went to the hospital and studied in the pathology library for a while and called my friends to tell them about my break down while I contemplated spending a night in my car.
When I finally calmed down this morning, I realized that I was just a big steaming scoop of crazy. Although I wasn't surprised when I had my blood drawn that it squirted like crazy. I have high blood pressure during the week. |
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| Mind Fart |
[Apr. 28th, 2008|12:36 am] |
Mmm so I start special chem tomorrow.
I can't sleep so I guess I'll try to put some words down because for some reason I think it'll help me sleep? Something to that effect
About a week ago I sat down and counted how many weeks I had left in the program: 27. It's now a week later so it's official I have 26 weeks left. I've only completed half of my training. Kind of a sad assessment don't you think? ONLY half of my rotation is finished.
I think right now, I truly despise what I am doing. There were some bouts earlier this year with liking what I was studying and how long it would keep my interest and how long I actually think I intend to stay in the profession and right now... gosh I thnk I'm burning out with half a year to go.
It's getting harder and harder to wake up and go to work in the morning. The more people question what I'm doing there and why, I stop and doubt myself a little bit more. i alreadu had some qualms about why I choose this profession to start with! I don't need someone who's had years of experience tell me that I indeed will be bored outof my mind---just like them. Mind you, this is a guy that scored almost a perfect on the exam. He's a smart dude.
Maybe I can and am meant to be a pathologist. But everytime I take a glance at the pipedream-- I sort of die a little inside because I have no real desire to conquer the obstacles in that path to really be where I need to be to get to the destination. I've never wanted to take the MCATs or go to med school or any of that. I think I could be good. I think if I set my mind to it, it definitely can be done but the road is just so daunting. And I just feel like I don't want it enough.
About a year ago today I would have told you without a doubt in my mind that I wanted to be a microbiologist, a clinical specialist one at that, looking at plates and figuring out what little creature is growing. Right now I'm learning all this crap about how to differeniate this little creature from that and all the little things that make these things special. ... and I can't care less. Literally if I ddn't need to learn this for the test that I have to take in the end, I would not give a rat's ass. At least at UCLA it was genuinely interesting to me how this gene was found and how the pathogen used it to it's advantage in the human response. It scares me that something I had such absolute resolve and faith in a year ago has compltely vanished. Maybe when I get onto the bench my mind will change. Maybe I will care again.
Right now hemoglobinopathies and its structural defests are immensely more fascinating than the differences between aspergillus and penicillium and what color the mold is on an SDA plate. Chemistry is just slowloy sucking the soul out of me as well as micro just taking up all of my time. It's gotten to the point that by 4PM on Friday I am just aching for a drink. I. am. spent.
Right now I'm just so unhappy with my job and studies. I have at least another 3 weeks with my sister demanding mroe of my time because she's getting marriedin a couple weeks and I just can't deny her the time. Financially I'm doing okay but with tuition coming up along with the wedding gift and more than several brithday preesnts it's just going to be a little tight ... and my car's check engine light is on.
/rant
it's just a night where you want to bang your head against the wall for a little bit |
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